Seriously?!

Oh My. Seriously? Like seriously? Yeahhh

Seriously, pening kepala fikir nak letak address blog. Haha.

I must say, ini entah blog aku yang ke berapa, dan entah berapa banyak address yang aku pernah guna. If you ever ask me, what was my first address blog?

Seriously, I can’t remember! Wallawehh. Haha. Ini serius.

Among them are; ibujarikaki, sesengalubi, wanweenwoon, syazwanhazim, awanhazim, mayaorange, shlols, seratussatuhari...

Like seriouslyy. Haha. Tak de yang melekat. Tell you what, I’ve been looking for a name, that really suits me.

Puas lah tadi mencuba satu-satu adress blog, sebab kali ni rasa macam dah malas nak tukar dah.

Seriuslahhh.blogspot.com – cool, tapi seriuslahh nak guna ni

Seriously.blogspot.com – being used

Sayaserius.blogspot.com – being used

Syazwanhazim.blogspot.com – kalau ikutkan, nak sangat guna nama ni, tapi dah ada orang guna. Sigh. Apesal sama nama?

Dan sepanjang pengembaraan mencari address blog yang sesuai tu, I kept saying

Seriuslahhh

Seriouslyyyy

T_T tsk tsk

Particular sangat kan. Haila. And I got one here. Hopefully it stays, just like this.

elseriously.blogspot.com

Malas nak fikir, why on earth it sounds like that? Please, don't ask me why. *Dude, it’s my freaking blog.

Welcome back :)

I Admire These Doctors, A Lot

Assalamualaikum ;)

Weee. Nak tahu tak, sejak duduk rumah berminggu-mingguan ni, I have just found a new interest. I’m head over heels with Grey’s Anatomy. Indeed! Sebenarnya dah lama start suka drama ni, since form 4 kot. Best. Buat yang tak tahu, basically this drama is all about the life of being doctors. The part that excites me the most is, the adrenaline rush. Like seriously, tu yang buat aku stay for three episodes in a row, non stop. Oh, itu je yang saya mampu. Orang lain duk sibuk cakap,

Tiga episod je sehari? Tahu tak, aku boleh habiskan drama How I Met Your Mother for the whole season dalam masa sehari je.

And I was like, err what? Haha. Tak makan kah?

Basically, and supposedly, drama ni pasal life of being doctors, all the adrenaline rush masa rawat patients, the surgeries that went well, and not to mention, the moment you have to face the death. I must say that, dalam setiap episod mesti akan ada pesakit yang mati. That’s the sad thing. But then, ada je part 18sx tu kan. Sigh. Kenapa? Sigh. Macam kawan aku cakap, sebab tu memang dah jadi budaya diorang. Kita kena elak lah kan. Thumbs up. Ambil yang jernih, buang yang keruh. Kita tengok untuk dapat inspirasi, bukan untuk gelapkan hati, ye kawan-kawan :)

Tu tak termasuk isu-isu yang sangat lah out of my interest. Their daily life, when being out of the hospital. Haha kadang-kadang kelakar jugak. Yang dari straight tiba-tiba jadi bisexual. Lol. Bercinta dengan yang itu, lepastu bercinta dengan yang ini pulak. Haha. Sounds quite absurd for a medical drama, right?

Talking about the characters that I admire the most. Selama marathon untuk lima musim yang pertama (out of nine seasons), dulu minat sangat dengan Meredith Grey. Sebab she’s just nice. She’s good. Cekap. Her mother was a surgeon. So gene as surgeon tu turun kat anak kot :P. Tapi bila dah masuk daily life tu, aku dah mula bosan. So, I boo her lol

First – Dr Cristina Yang

Serius, suka sangat watak ni. She’s a Korean. Dia sangat cekap, dan tegas. Cakap pun main lepas je. Haha. Dia sangat sangat terdesak nak bedah orang lol. Even sebelum dia nak kahwin pun, sempat bedah orang lagi. Kelakar pun ada jugak. Agak agresif, tapi bijak sejak dari sekolah. And she’s so colourful. Dia ni agak heartless, so dia akan jadi less emotional when dealing with patients. That’s good. I guess I just can’t be like her. Dan, dia ada double degree. PhD in biochemistry, and MD. Hebat hebat.

Second – Dr George O’Malley

Okay, suka gila watak ni. He’s so nice. Serius, quite innocent. Loving, such a good friend. Eye contact dia dengan patients pun sangat lah bagus. Komited dengan kerjaya sebagai seorang doktor. Tak banyak membangkang dengan senior. Jenis ikut je, as long as it’s right. Good for him. Kagum gila dengan watak dia. Down to earth, dan sangat menjaga hati orang lain. Serius, I’m imagining of me myself, being like him in the future. In Shaa Allah amin :)

Third – Dr Izzie Stevens

She’s gorgeous. Dia lawa, dan sebelum dia jadi doktor, dia pernah jadi model peragaan. She has just proven that doctor is not meant for nerds only. Lol it’s so true. And one thing that I love about her is that, she loves baking cupcakes, muffins. And I do! Haha. Dia cekap, cuma dia agak sensitif. Sigh.

That’s all for today. See ya :)

Seratus Satu Hari, An Upside Down :')

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Seratus Satu Hari. Alhamdulillah, hari ni dah hari yang ke seratus satu.

Terlalu banyak perkara yang berlaku dalam seratus satu hari ni. Sadness has been all over the places. Sebak. Mungkin tak keterlaluan, dalam seratus satu hari ni, I could say that in just a split of second, I have screwed up my very own future. My future that has been my proud for all this while. My future that at least could have cheered me during my past days. But now, it is crystal clear that it was just nothing.

Wake up.

Benar, seratus satu hari yang penuh mencabar. Dari hari pertama sehinggalah hari ini, hari yang ke seratus satu, hati ini ... hati ini retak. Hati ini pasrah. Hati ini redha dengan ketentuan Illahi. Masih tak cukup tabah untuk menghadapi hari-hari yang seterusnya. Masih tertanya-tanya, apakah yang menantiku di hujung perjalanan ini. Jika sebelum seratus satu hari ini, aku agak sedikit yakin, In Shaa Allah I would end up somewhere, being a med student.

“ I am going to be med student! Itu yang kau nak sejak kau kecil kan! Your parents must be so proud of you. Your grandma would cry because she’s going to be so happy, for knowing that the kid that she has been raising for the past 19 years, is going to be a doctor in anytime soon! ”

Medic has always been my passion. Tapi, entah. Dalam masa seratus satu hari ni, everything has changed. It changed me. It happened to me. An upside down.

Walau kau tiada di sini

Kutetap ingat semua pesanmu

Kuhidup seolah-olah kau masih ada

Bisikkan katamu kepadaku

Serious, this song hits me back. I was, personally not really a fan of this song. Yet i do envy the success of the singer songwriter. At first, for me, it was just like the other typical malay songs, tangkap leleh je. Tapi, as I try to get into its meaning, I just can’t get out of it. Especially when it comes to the chorus part,

Patah seribu hatiku bila mengenangkan

Segala yang kita bina bersama

Haruskah kulupa karna engkau telah pergi

Reminds me of my late grandma. Atau biasa panggil atok. Benar, hari ni hari yang seratus satu sejak atok pergi. Tak tahu kenapa, tapi masih rasa janggal kalau sebut arwah. She has never been that far. She has always been in my heart. The last time I kissed her hand when she was still breathing, was seratus dua hari lepas. Masa nak balik ke kolej. Sangat sebak. I did. And, she was not really there. I get that she was dying. Her eyes were wide open, but she did not even look at me. Sebak. If it was not because of the exam, I would not have left her. Tapi aku tabah. Lagipun, she was not alone. Ramai pak cik mak cik aku temankan. Sambil bisikkan kat telinga atok, “ Atok, doakan abang. Esok abang nak exam ”. Sebab dah jadi kebiasaan untuk minta doa atok. Tapi masa tu, atok diam je. Kat situ juga aku menangis.

 “ Atok, doakan abang ye. Esok abang nak exam ”

Sejak masuk kolej ni, biasanya setiap kali salam tangan atok, atok akan nangis. Sebab dia sangat sedih aku akan tinggalkan dia. Just imagine, she raised me up since I was a kid. She was right behind me every single second. We have never been apart for a long period. Sampailah aku dapat tawaran untuk buat Pra U di Sepang. At that moment, she had to let me go. Sebab atok tahu, I want to be a doctor so badly. Atok pun nak sangat tengok aku jadi doktor.

Teringat pula waktu mula-mula dapat offer dulu, she was the first person to know. She replied me, “ Alhamdulillah, cucu atok dapat pergi India ”. She was over the moon, that she almost burst into tears of joy. Dan selepas itu, setiap kali aku nak pulang kolej, dia akan pesan supaya belajar elok-elok, nanti dapat jadi doktor. She once hoped that I could treat her legs so that she could walk again, have a healthy life. If possible, she would really love to go to Macca again. Iyelah, bayangkan that she has been lying on the bed for four years! I’m proud that she made it.

Tepat seratus satu hari yang lepas, usai menunaikan fardhu zohor di kolej. Saat imam sedang membaca doa, aku pergi bawa diri ke tempat yang paling belakang kat dalam surau. Sebak sangat. Aku nangis sorang-sorang. I did not want to be seen crying. Right minutes after that, my mum called. She asked me if I could go back home as soon as possible. I bet, it must be about grandma. She had been always like that. Desak hatiku. In the car, I did not suspect anything. It was just, mungkin atok nak jumpa abang. Mungkin atok sesak nafas lagi. That’s all. And the car was in total silence. I spoke nothing, so did my mum. When I reached home, aku nampak kelibat beberapa orang surau lengkap berkopiah, bersongkok. Seriously, what are they doing here?

I was totally puzzled. I took my steps slowly. My uncle then approached me. He said something, but I did not concentrate on him. Aku cuma nak masuk rumah. I walked. A second after that, my father approached me. He hug me. He whispered,

“ Abang, atok dah takde ”

Can you just imagine that? The one who has been supporting you. The one who has been comforting you for all this while, she's gone. Atok. Aku terus menghampiri katil atok. Aku tengok muka atok. Atok dah siap berselimut kain batik. Aku capai tangan atok, sebab aku nak cium tangan atok. Tapi tak mampu. I was so helpless. I kept crying, and crying.

Itu cerita seratus satu hari lepas. Senang untuk orang cakap “ Awak boleh nangis. Tapi jangan lama-lama. Cukup beberapa hari je. Saya tahu awak kuat ”. Sekadar ayat penenang. It did work, but in few seconds only.

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains

You raise me up to walk on stormy seas

I am strong when I am on your shoulders

You raise me up to more that I can be

Sampai sekarang, I have not stopped crying. Kadang tu dapat rasa, she is still right beside me. It’s like, she’s whispering to me, not to cry anymore. But I can’t. I just missed her. Al-Fatihah.

Since that incident, rasa macam dah tawar hati nak buat apa-apa. And just recently, something bad came up. The moment that has really changed my life. It screwed up everything. Aku lari. I deactivated facebook and twitter. I keep myself at home. I don’t wanna meet up with the public. I’m so ashamed. But then I’m thinking, sampai bila nak jadi macam ni? I get that. It takes time :’)

And Alhamdulillah, I gain numerous support. Lagi-lagi dari orang yang tak pernah aku expect. Terima kasih. Jazakallah. Jazakillah. It did help me. Walaupun setiap kali habisnya perbualan tu, I would end up crying. As what I’ve said before, it takes time. Sabar ye duhai hati.

Ye, saya tahu. Dan tidaklah Allah memberatkan manusia dengan sesuatu yang berat melainkan apa yang terdaya olehnya. 2:286.

Assalamualaikum :’)