Seratus Satu Hari, An Upside Down :')

Assalamualaikum wbt.

Seratus Satu Hari. Alhamdulillah, hari ni dah hari yang ke seratus satu.

Terlalu banyak perkara yang berlaku dalam seratus satu hari ni. Sadness has been all over the places. Sebak. Mungkin tak keterlaluan, dalam seratus satu hari ni, I could say that in just a split of second, I have screwed up my very own future. My future that has been my proud for all this while. My future that at least could have cheered me during my past days. But now, it is crystal clear that it was just nothing.

Wake up.

Benar, seratus satu hari yang penuh mencabar. Dari hari pertama sehinggalah hari ini, hari yang ke seratus satu, hati ini ... hati ini retak. Hati ini pasrah. Hati ini redha dengan ketentuan Illahi. Masih tak cukup tabah untuk menghadapi hari-hari yang seterusnya. Masih tertanya-tanya, apakah yang menantiku di hujung perjalanan ini. Jika sebelum seratus satu hari ini, aku agak sedikit yakin, In Shaa Allah I would end up somewhere, being a med student.

“ I am going to be med student! Itu yang kau nak sejak kau kecil kan! Your parents must be so proud of you. Your grandma would cry because she’s going to be so happy, for knowing that the kid that she has been raising for the past 19 years, is going to be a doctor in anytime soon! ”

Medic has always been my passion. Tapi, entah. Dalam masa seratus satu hari ni, everything has changed. It changed me. It happened to me. An upside down.

Walau kau tiada di sini

Kutetap ingat semua pesanmu

Kuhidup seolah-olah kau masih ada

Bisikkan katamu kepadaku

Serious, this song hits me back. I was, personally not really a fan of this song. Yet i do envy the success of the singer songwriter. At first, for me, it was just like the other typical malay songs, tangkap leleh je. Tapi, as I try to get into its meaning, I just can’t get out of it. Especially when it comes to the chorus part,

Patah seribu hatiku bila mengenangkan

Segala yang kita bina bersama

Haruskah kulupa karna engkau telah pergi

Reminds me of my late grandma. Atau biasa panggil atok. Benar, hari ni hari yang seratus satu sejak atok pergi. Tak tahu kenapa, tapi masih rasa janggal kalau sebut arwah. She has never been that far. She has always been in my heart. The last time I kissed her hand when she was still breathing, was seratus dua hari lepas. Masa nak balik ke kolej. Sangat sebak. I did. And, she was not really there. I get that she was dying. Her eyes were wide open, but she did not even look at me. Sebak. If it was not because of the exam, I would not have left her. Tapi aku tabah. Lagipun, she was not alone. Ramai pak cik mak cik aku temankan. Sambil bisikkan kat telinga atok, “ Atok, doakan abang. Esok abang nak exam ”. Sebab dah jadi kebiasaan untuk minta doa atok. Tapi masa tu, atok diam je. Kat situ juga aku menangis.

 “ Atok, doakan abang ye. Esok abang nak exam ”

Sejak masuk kolej ni, biasanya setiap kali salam tangan atok, atok akan nangis. Sebab dia sangat sedih aku akan tinggalkan dia. Just imagine, she raised me up since I was a kid. She was right behind me every single second. We have never been apart for a long period. Sampailah aku dapat tawaran untuk buat Pra U di Sepang. At that moment, she had to let me go. Sebab atok tahu, I want to be a doctor so badly. Atok pun nak sangat tengok aku jadi doktor.

Teringat pula waktu mula-mula dapat offer dulu, she was the first person to know. She replied me, “ Alhamdulillah, cucu atok dapat pergi India ”. She was over the moon, that she almost burst into tears of joy. Dan selepas itu, setiap kali aku nak pulang kolej, dia akan pesan supaya belajar elok-elok, nanti dapat jadi doktor. She once hoped that I could treat her legs so that she could walk again, have a healthy life. If possible, she would really love to go to Macca again. Iyelah, bayangkan that she has been lying on the bed for four years! I’m proud that she made it.

Tepat seratus satu hari yang lepas, usai menunaikan fardhu zohor di kolej. Saat imam sedang membaca doa, aku pergi bawa diri ke tempat yang paling belakang kat dalam surau. Sebak sangat. Aku nangis sorang-sorang. I did not want to be seen crying. Right minutes after that, my mum called. She asked me if I could go back home as soon as possible. I bet, it must be about grandma. She had been always like that. Desak hatiku. In the car, I did not suspect anything. It was just, mungkin atok nak jumpa abang. Mungkin atok sesak nafas lagi. That’s all. And the car was in total silence. I spoke nothing, so did my mum. When I reached home, aku nampak kelibat beberapa orang surau lengkap berkopiah, bersongkok. Seriously, what are they doing here?

I was totally puzzled. I took my steps slowly. My uncle then approached me. He said something, but I did not concentrate on him. Aku cuma nak masuk rumah. I walked. A second after that, my father approached me. He hug me. He whispered,

“ Abang, atok dah takde ”

Can you just imagine that? The one who has been supporting you. The one who has been comforting you for all this while, she's gone. Atok. Aku terus menghampiri katil atok. Aku tengok muka atok. Atok dah siap berselimut kain batik. Aku capai tangan atok, sebab aku nak cium tangan atok. Tapi tak mampu. I was so helpless. I kept crying, and crying.

Itu cerita seratus satu hari lepas. Senang untuk orang cakap “ Awak boleh nangis. Tapi jangan lama-lama. Cukup beberapa hari je. Saya tahu awak kuat ”. Sekadar ayat penenang. It did work, but in few seconds only.

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains

You raise me up to walk on stormy seas

I am strong when I am on your shoulders

You raise me up to more that I can be

Sampai sekarang, I have not stopped crying. Kadang tu dapat rasa, she is still right beside me. It’s like, she’s whispering to me, not to cry anymore. But I can’t. I just missed her. Al-Fatihah.

Since that incident, rasa macam dah tawar hati nak buat apa-apa. And just recently, something bad came up. The moment that has really changed my life. It screwed up everything. Aku lari. I deactivated facebook and twitter. I keep myself at home. I don’t wanna meet up with the public. I’m so ashamed. But then I’m thinking, sampai bila nak jadi macam ni? I get that. It takes time :’)

And Alhamdulillah, I gain numerous support. Lagi-lagi dari orang yang tak pernah aku expect. Terima kasih. Jazakallah. Jazakillah. It did help me. Walaupun setiap kali habisnya perbualan tu, I would end up crying. As what I’ve said before, it takes time. Sabar ye duhai hati.

Ye, saya tahu. Dan tidaklah Allah memberatkan manusia dengan sesuatu yang berat melainkan apa yang terdaya olehnya. 2:286.

Assalamualaikum :’)